come and go

Hello! It's been more than a year since I've written here... and while many thing have changed, others are still the same. I grow and still I stumble, all the while the world continues to go about its merry way. Despite how trite or cliche I may sound, it's so comforting to know that things continue to go on the way that they do. No matter what my shortcomings are, come Fall all the leaves will turn into hues of gold and burgundy somewhere in the world. And in some strange way, it pushes me to go forward no matter how much the past hurts or the future daunts.

comparable

hello, blog. long time no see... it looks like my pursuits of a more practical profession have left my humanities skills in the closet. But before it collects too much dust, i thought i'd write a few more posts before i completely forget what it feels like to write.

as i think back on the last few days, i really wonder how i survived it all. this week... i moved out of my apartment, experience the chaos of work, said hello to a new long-distance relationship and flew to Norcal at the end of it all. But amongst all of that, i somehow found time to sit down and had one of the most thought provoking conversations i've ever had. it really started out as nothing more than a conversation about what kind of a person would be suitable "datee" for my friend, when it took a turn towards the question of identity. this is a question that i've heard people ask before, but i never thought about it the same way: how do we measure our success?

life is not a system comprised of points... and there aren't different prizes that you win when you've hit certain marks. Don't get me wrong, working hard definitely is a characteristic that everyone should strive for...but it doesn't mean that you are only limited to a number of good things if you are "mediocre".

and while using other people's success can definitely be an inspiration, i feel like we sometimes use it as a way of defining our own success. Oh, Johnny has a new job, and he's going on vacation? Man, my job doesn't do that for me... I must not be successful--that thought process is far too familiar for comfort. there has to be a way for us to be inspired but not let down, and motivated without feeling setback.

GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL.

i've been freaking out about post-grad life: the uncertainties, the joblessness, the future, the big question mark that still looms over my career....all really good reasons to freak out about, might i add. it seems like it's only down to days that i, along with many others in my graduating class, will be facing reality.

it hasn't been easy trying to cushion myself for the fall that comes after college. finding a job with my lonely college degree doesn't seem to quite cut it for a lot of companies. this and various other factors (i.e. envy of other peoples' cushions) has brought me in flurry, and no, i'm not talking about the delicious swirly ice cream treat from mcdonald's.

all my focus had been drawn to the worries and the scary things after college, but i didn't even see what i had in front of me. it took a girl that i don't even know that well to simply remind me that i had something to be proud of.

i said i'm graduating as a double major, and she said, "GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL."

and you know what? she's right! good for me. I'M GRADUATING.

And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a God's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best

- - - - - - - -

oh, these times are hard
and i'm making us crazy
don't give up on me baby

questions

today, i tried emailing God because i want answers.

i guess Gmail isn't the way he rolls.

roll wit it

i realized lately that i've become a lot more fearful of many things lately. my inhibitions have almost taken a hold of me. I've found that I'm scared to fall, scared to get hurt, scared to lose things and most importantly... to fail.

things are happening these days, changes are more imminent than ever and finally, I realize that I can't stay tense like this anymore.

no more being afraid.

totalled

totalled

this will probably be one of the two hundred posts that come out as a result of the edge retreat this year, but i don’t care. i’ll write it anyway. this weekend, i think the only way to explain the experience was that i was in a crash. a high-impact collision with Him. through a weekend of messages, stories of rejuvenation, heartbreak and trials, all of my pains were brought to the surface and they were wiped clean. one of the counselors during women’s time shared this verse:

“When I passed by you ad saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you numerous like plants of the field. Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments; your breasts were formed and your hair had grown. Yet you were naked and bare.

Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine.” declares the Lord God. “Then I bathed you with water, washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linens and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets o your hands and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. This you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. Then your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed on you,” declares the Lord God.

And this is the truth. I was picked up out of my own despair and blood and made a royalty. I was made a princess because of the love that God has for me, and my brothers and sisters.

I crashed into the Lord this weekend, and He changed me. I choose His love, and I will continue to choose the truth. I don’t deny that it will be difficult, but if His love can raise me up out of my blood, then I trust that things will change and lives will be healed.

Amazing.

easy breezy

seems to be the way I feel right now. Everyone always asks, "How's the senior year going?" and I can't honestly say I know. I mean, yes intuitively everything is good. School is good, life is good and there's nothing to complain about...

But it's too much breezy. So breezy that it's just breezin by.

Way too much breezy.

Day 1

Today, is the start of a new chapter for me. I will try wholeheartedly to put someone else's needs above mine. I'm not going to lie--I have my doubts. But I am hoping down to every tiny molecule in my body that I can do it; that I, through patience, love and the strength from God, can do it.

hello, there. i am currently awake from drinking way too much tea at a time that was most inappropriate. i guess that's just how i like to do things-at the wrong time.

but hey, a wise cat once said: "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

that doesn't mean i'll take advantage of that or anything. it just means that i am waiting for all three billion gagillion megabytes of my music to be moved before i update itunes and lose them all.

good night.

superstar

you smile that beautiful smile
and all the girls in the front row
scream your name.

so dim that spotlight,
tell me things like
"i can't take my eyes of you."

questions

questions, questions, questions.

eager to ask, but equally scared to hear the answer.

two sides of the same coin: this seems to be the theme of everything these days.

rewind

now heading back to the days when i found the simplest joy in just having the pleasure to spend some time with you.

why? because i love you.

under normal circumstances ...

i would never listen to katy perry's advice;

but take a chance and don't ever look back.

stubborn and prideful.

how will we get through this if we never put these things aside?

interchangeable.

ikea has something pretty good going on. let me tell you why: the vitals are interchangeable. And while this seems so simple, it really is not. i wish i could say that i was like these pieces: easily placed from one situation to another, but i'm not. and honestly, it's hard trying to adapt from one thing to another. we're animals of comfort. once something feels familiar, it's all so easy to become attached.

boy, is that smacking me in the face right now. it's either let go, or mold. there's no holding onto the past; no holding onto the familiar.

life sure is weird. is it always going to be like this?

For you.

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains,
but have not love,
I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

ordinary people

girl, i'm in love with you
this ain't the honeymoon
we're past the infatuation phase
we're right in the thick of love
at times we get sick of love
it seems like we argue everyday

i know i've misbehaved and
you've made your mistakes
and we both still got room left to grow
and though love sometimes hurts,
i still put you first and
we'll make this thing work
but i think we should take it slow.

I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel just like walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

boxes and cups

a conversation and misunderstanding over these two objects have led to a much messier tangle than i asked for. a light spring cleaning that turned out to be a summer-fall-winter project as well.

and as much as we all want to turn a blind-eye to our ugly, hurtful pasts... they are there.

they'll creep up on you... and if you're lucky, it won't be a rude awakening that leads to the conclusion that boxes and cups are the least of your worries.