major:

after some careful 5 minute thought about it, i've come to the conclusion that being in a relationship is like majoring in something. if you're lucky, you're majoring in something that you really love; but it doesn't always mean that it's easy. the first 4 classes are great: they're everything that you've imagined it to be like. but then comes the hard stuff... the microbio, the ochem, the e100, the mae 120 of the relationship. and it's tough, through and through. tough on your mind, tough on your body, tough on your heart. sometimes you feel like giving up, and you almost do. but then you wake up and realize that it's not an option (if you're smart-or stupid, however you look at it): to give up. at least not on your end. people deal with the difficultly differently. some people stress out and cry, others just breeze on by. but where am i going with this... oh yes, a major you really love. You push through those classes and just try to keep your head above water until it's over. And when it's over, it's over. Sure, some will jump boat and switch to another major. One that will make their life a lot easier and probably more practical, but they'll end up doing something for the rest of their lives that they are lukewarm about.

So, it comes down to quit what you love or don't quit...even if it is hard at the time. Just know that it will end, and you will come out stronger from something that you thought broke you. All you have to do, is hold on through that quarter.. or semester. However long it is.

this is where we are.

the ochem, the e100, the mae 120. literally, for one of us; and even though it frustrates me, i'm thankful that you don't stress the way i do. and because of that, i'm not flunking in "us".

unexpected

I think it's safe to say that it has been a long time comin'. As I stand here, I am a whole young woman: freshly painted with a coat of shimmery pink and shiny red--like a giant walking, breathing valentine's day card. The lacquer has been brought upon by the most careful and patient painter. But there's something beneath the eye. Underneath this layer lies a cracked surface. The paint was too stubborn come off completely, and while pieces may have chipped away, the lines are still there. The new drops of paint have been slowly seeping into these cracks, crevices, and Grand Canyons of me-and I had no idea.

Or maybe I did know, and denial got the best of me. But it's time to face the unexpected truth. They are there. They exist. Now the only way to solve this is to go back with a mask and an electric sander. It'll be a whole lotta ugly before it gets pretty.

jungle juice

I can't find the words to describe the way I feel. Or maybe, I just can't find the words to say. It's a weird mixture of feelings that only leads to one place: uncertainty. I don't know why they've mixed. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. It just happened, and it's consuming me. The worst part is... I don't know how to tell you. How to alert you. You see the signs, but you don't really see behind them. They all seem to be superficial quirks that will untie themselves, but the mix is so much weirder than that.

So, I guess I just want to say that it's hard on me. I can't find the solution because I can't quite pinpoint the cause of it.

There are good things and bad things in there, but the affects of the bad are more prominent in the present than the affects of the good. But the good is coming, right?

harvest time

this is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
i know i'm filled to be emptied again
the seed i've received i will sow.

Happy Birthday, Dad

It's your 60th birthday, and while you'll be receiving a card from me this year with something along the lines of "Happy Birthday and thank you for everything... I love you," those words cannot express what you mean to me. Even if I were to include this in your card, we both know that you have never had an affinity for words. But I do, and this is the only way that I know how to express my feelings...so this is for you.

Sixty years... and I'm ever so grateful that you spent twenty of those years being my father. There are a lot of things that I don't understand. About you, about mom, about myself... But it's okay, Dad. Sometimes, you don't need all the answers and you don't need to know exactly who was right or wrong. All I know is that you're my father. My knowledgeable, hardworking, loving, caring, packrat of a father. And I love you.

I've learned more things from you than you know. And you mean much much much more to me than you'll ever understand in this lifetime. Sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate or I am ignorant of your love for me, but trust me... I know.

One day, we'll be in a place where you and I can express our feelings in the same way.

But until then, "Happy birthday, and thank you for everything... I love you."

inconsistent me crying out for consistency

These days, I've been feeling a little less brave than before. It's always this way, isn't it? It's like I've defaulted into defense mode and I feel it in the corners of my heart. I will be bold. I will be fearless once more. After all, what do I have to fear with You on my side?

leap forward

In attempts to make good use of my new investment, i've been treading a lot of ground off of my own two feet this last week. Honestly, it's been kind of scary. I feel this weird anxiety about biking... it must be something about being separated from the ground or maybe it's the launched into the air at unnatural amounts of speed with out a brake...I'm not quite sure what the roots of my anxiety are, but I know that they are there.

Then you go and raise my seat up so that I even can't reach the damn ground with my feet. Made me practice getting on and off that metal beast in the most unconventional way... pretty much pushed me out of my comfort zone completely.

But I guess in some weird sort of way, I appreciate it. Because even though I was scared out of my mind and wanted to kill you at some points, you stuck by my side and made sure I wouldn't fall. You took your time to make it easier on me in the end.

I understand now that I just have to do it. I just have to go for it. Truthfully, I'm still scared. But because of your efforts, I'm willing to just take that leap and if I so happen to fall--then at least I know that you'll be right there laughing with me, too.