Happy Birthday, Dad

It's your 60th birthday, and while you'll be receiving a card from me this year with something along the lines of "Happy Birthday and thank you for everything... I love you," those words cannot express what you mean to me. Even if I were to include this in your card, we both know that you have never had an affinity for words. But I do, and this is the only way that I know how to express my feelings...so this is for you.

Sixty years... and I'm ever so grateful that you spent twenty of those years being my father. There are a lot of things that I don't understand. About you, about mom, about myself... But it's okay, Dad. Sometimes, you don't need all the answers and you don't need to know exactly who was right or wrong. All I know is that you're my father. My knowledgeable, hardworking, loving, caring, packrat of a father. And I love you.

I've learned more things from you than you know. And you mean much much much more to me than you'll ever understand in this lifetime. Sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate or I am ignorant of your love for me, but trust me... I know.

One day, we'll be in a place where you and I can express our feelings in the same way.

But until then, "Happy birthday, and thank you for everything... I love you."

inconsistent me crying out for consistency

These days, I've been feeling a little less brave than before. It's always this way, isn't it? It's like I've defaulted into defense mode and I feel it in the corners of my heart. I will be bold. I will be fearless once more. After all, what do I have to fear with You on my side?

leap forward

In attempts to make good use of my new investment, i've been treading a lot of ground off of my own two feet this last week. Honestly, it's been kind of scary. I feel this weird anxiety about biking... it must be something about being separated from the ground or maybe it's the launched into the air at unnatural amounts of speed with out a brake...I'm not quite sure what the roots of my anxiety are, but I know that they are there.

Then you go and raise my seat up so that I even can't reach the damn ground with my feet. Made me practice getting on and off that metal beast in the most unconventional way... pretty much pushed me out of my comfort zone completely.

But I guess in some weird sort of way, I appreciate it. Because even though I was scared out of my mind and wanted to kill you at some points, you stuck by my side and made sure I wouldn't fall. You took your time to make it easier on me in the end.

I understand now that I just have to do it. I just have to go for it. Truthfully, I'm still scared. But because of your efforts, I'm willing to just take that leap and if I so happen to fall--then at least I know that you'll be right there laughing with me, too.

1.

happy birthday.

it's been a little over a year since i started writing in this, and oh my...how things have changed. Changed, but still the same--how does life work like that? I'm still me--all of us are the same, but there's just something different. Something better. I feel this new flow of blood in my veins, something rejuvenated, and while each day I grow older, the thought of tomorrow brings me to a chance for something happier and brighter. Of course, there are the nostalgic days where I think back and miss those things that have passed... those people who have gone, but nonetheless, there's a tomorrow and it has the potential to be better than yesterday.

so here's to growing. fearlessly heading into tomorrow.

dedication

it's falling from the clouds, a strange and lovely sound. i hear it in the thunder and the rain. it's ringing in the skies, like canons in the night. the music of the universe plays. the moon and the stars declare who You are. forever my heart will sing of how great You are.

allergies

xy: i'll blow you away with my slickness
xy: the way dust flies when you blow at it and it disperses like crazy
xx: are you hinting that you'll blow me far away from you!?!?!?!?
xy: no. wrong.
xy: it's the kind where the dust picks up and flies around in circles, and you're completely surrounded by it
xx: oh.
xy: don't think i'd let you go that easily.
xx: well, then in that case... i guess that's okay.

I'm ready to realize that I was wrong.

I've just been angry at you, and you can imagine why. Afterall, you're the one who created me. My thoughts were this: why did you have to take away everyone that deserved to live? they were more devoted to you than I, and yet you chose to punish them with something that ate at their minds and bodies. You took them from the ones that loved them, you took them from me. So I retaliated, like a typical child would. I felt like I had been wronged, and an injustice made. I fought hard to keep you out, and some strange mix of my stubbornness and anger built a wall around me.

But that wall has been broken down. Four months ago, I stepped back into church for the first time in a long time...and the words I heard that day brought tears to my eyes. You comforted me, even though I had been neglectful and upset with you. I left ashamed with my head down.

Fast-forward to last Friday.

I finally worked the courage to come back, and You spoke to me. That's right, I get it. And I don't have to be ashamed and upset anymore.

I'm ready to let some light into my life. I'm ready to admit that I was wrong.