easy breezy

seems to be the way I feel right now. Everyone always asks, "How's the senior year going?" and I can't honestly say I know. I mean, yes intuitively everything is good. School is good, life is good and there's nothing to complain about...

But it's too much breezy. So breezy that it's just breezin by.

Way too much breezy.

Day 1

Today, is the start of a new chapter for me. I will try wholeheartedly to put someone else's needs above mine. I'm not going to lie--I have my doubts. But I am hoping down to every tiny molecule in my body that I can do it; that I, through patience, love and the strength from God, can do it.

hello, there. i am currently awake from drinking way too much tea at a time that was most inappropriate. i guess that's just how i like to do things-at the wrong time.

but hey, a wise cat once said: "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

that doesn't mean i'll take advantage of that or anything. it just means that i am waiting for all three billion gagillion megabytes of my music to be moved before i update itunes and lose them all.

good night.

superstar

you smile that beautiful smile
and all the girls in the front row
scream your name.

so dim that spotlight,
tell me things like
"i can't take my eyes of you."

questions

questions, questions, questions.

eager to ask, but equally scared to hear the answer.

two sides of the same coin: this seems to be the theme of everything these days.

rewind

now heading back to the days when i found the simplest joy in just having the pleasure to spend some time with you.

why? because i love you.

under normal circumstances ...

i would never listen to katy perry's advice;

but take a chance and don't ever look back.

stubborn and prideful.

how will we get through this if we never put these things aside?

interchangeable.

ikea has something pretty good going on. let me tell you why: the vitals are interchangeable. And while this seems so simple, it really is not. i wish i could say that i was like these pieces: easily placed from one situation to another, but i'm not. and honestly, it's hard trying to adapt from one thing to another. we're animals of comfort. once something feels familiar, it's all so easy to become attached.

boy, is that smacking me in the face right now. it's either let go, or mold. there's no holding onto the past; no holding onto the familiar.

life sure is weird. is it always going to be like this?

For you.

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains,
but have not love,
I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

ordinary people

girl, i'm in love with you
this ain't the honeymoon
we're past the infatuation phase
we're right in the thick of love
at times we get sick of love
it seems like we argue everyday

i know i've misbehaved and
you've made your mistakes
and we both still got room left to grow
and though love sometimes hurts,
i still put you first and
we'll make this thing work
but i think we should take it slow.

I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel just like walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

boxes and cups

a conversation and misunderstanding over these two objects have led to a much messier tangle than i asked for. a light spring cleaning that turned out to be a summer-fall-winter project as well.

and as much as we all want to turn a blind-eye to our ugly, hurtful pasts... they are there.

they'll creep up on you... and if you're lucky, it won't be a rude awakening that leads to the conclusion that boxes and cups are the least of your worries.

major:

after some careful 5 minute thought about it, i've come to the conclusion that being in a relationship is like majoring in something. if you're lucky, you're majoring in something that you really love; but it doesn't always mean that it's easy. the first 4 classes are great: they're everything that you've imagined it to be like. but then comes the hard stuff... the microbio, the ochem, the e100, the mae 120 of the relationship. and it's tough, through and through. tough on your mind, tough on your body, tough on your heart. sometimes you feel like giving up, and you almost do. but then you wake up and realize that it's not an option (if you're smart-or stupid, however you look at it): to give up. at least not on your end. people deal with the difficultly differently. some people stress out and cry, others just breeze on by. but where am i going with this... oh yes, a major you really love. You push through those classes and just try to keep your head above water until it's over. And when it's over, it's over. Sure, some will jump boat and switch to another major. One that will make their life a lot easier and probably more practical, but they'll end up doing something for the rest of their lives that they are lukewarm about.

So, it comes down to quit what you love or don't quit...even if it is hard at the time. Just know that it will end, and you will come out stronger from something that you thought broke you. All you have to do, is hold on through that quarter.. or semester. However long it is.

this is where we are.

the ochem, the e100, the mae 120. literally, for one of us; and even though it frustrates me, i'm thankful that you don't stress the way i do. and because of that, i'm not flunking in "us".

unexpected

I think it's safe to say that it has been a long time comin'. As I stand here, I am a whole young woman: freshly painted with a coat of shimmery pink and shiny red--like a giant walking, breathing valentine's day card. The lacquer has been brought upon by the most careful and patient painter. But there's something beneath the eye. Underneath this layer lies a cracked surface. The paint was too stubborn come off completely, and while pieces may have chipped away, the lines are still there. The new drops of paint have been slowly seeping into these cracks, crevices, and Grand Canyons of me-and I had no idea.

Or maybe I did know, and denial got the best of me. But it's time to face the unexpected truth. They are there. They exist. Now the only way to solve this is to go back with a mask and an electric sander. It'll be a whole lotta ugly before it gets pretty.

jungle juice

I can't find the words to describe the way I feel. Or maybe, I just can't find the words to say. It's a weird mixture of feelings that only leads to one place: uncertainty. I don't know why they've mixed. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. It just happened, and it's consuming me. The worst part is... I don't know how to tell you. How to alert you. You see the signs, but you don't really see behind them. They all seem to be superficial quirks that will untie themselves, but the mix is so much weirder than that.

So, I guess I just want to say that it's hard on me. I can't find the solution because I can't quite pinpoint the cause of it.

There are good things and bad things in there, but the affects of the bad are more prominent in the present than the affects of the good. But the good is coming, right?

harvest time

this is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
i know i'm filled to be emptied again
the seed i've received i will sow.

Happy Birthday, Dad

It's your 60th birthday, and while you'll be receiving a card from me this year with something along the lines of "Happy Birthday and thank you for everything... I love you," those words cannot express what you mean to me. Even if I were to include this in your card, we both know that you have never had an affinity for words. But I do, and this is the only way that I know how to express my feelings...so this is for you.

Sixty years... and I'm ever so grateful that you spent twenty of those years being my father. There are a lot of things that I don't understand. About you, about mom, about myself... But it's okay, Dad. Sometimes, you don't need all the answers and you don't need to know exactly who was right or wrong. All I know is that you're my father. My knowledgeable, hardworking, loving, caring, packrat of a father. And I love you.

I've learned more things from you than you know. And you mean much much much more to me than you'll ever understand in this lifetime. Sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate or I am ignorant of your love for me, but trust me... I know.

One day, we'll be in a place where you and I can express our feelings in the same way.

But until then, "Happy birthday, and thank you for everything... I love you."

inconsistent me crying out for consistency

These days, I've been feeling a little less brave than before. It's always this way, isn't it? It's like I've defaulted into defense mode and I feel it in the corners of my heart. I will be bold. I will be fearless once more. After all, what do I have to fear with You on my side?

leap forward

In attempts to make good use of my new investment, i've been treading a lot of ground off of my own two feet this last week. Honestly, it's been kind of scary. I feel this weird anxiety about biking... it must be something about being separated from the ground or maybe it's the launched into the air at unnatural amounts of speed with out a brake...I'm not quite sure what the roots of my anxiety are, but I know that they are there.

Then you go and raise my seat up so that I even can't reach the damn ground with my feet. Made me practice getting on and off that metal beast in the most unconventional way... pretty much pushed me out of my comfort zone completely.

But I guess in some weird sort of way, I appreciate it. Because even though I was scared out of my mind and wanted to kill you at some points, you stuck by my side and made sure I wouldn't fall. You took your time to make it easier on me in the end.

I understand now that I just have to do it. I just have to go for it. Truthfully, I'm still scared. But because of your efforts, I'm willing to just take that leap and if I so happen to fall--then at least I know that you'll be right there laughing with me, too.

1.

happy birthday.

it's been a little over a year since i started writing in this, and oh my...how things have changed. Changed, but still the same--how does life work like that? I'm still me--all of us are the same, but there's just something different. Something better. I feel this new flow of blood in my veins, something rejuvenated, and while each day I grow older, the thought of tomorrow brings me to a chance for something happier and brighter. Of course, there are the nostalgic days where I think back and miss those things that have passed... those people who have gone, but nonetheless, there's a tomorrow and it has the potential to be better than yesterday.

so here's to growing. fearlessly heading into tomorrow.

dedication

it's falling from the clouds, a strange and lovely sound. i hear it in the thunder and the rain. it's ringing in the skies, like canons in the night. the music of the universe plays. the moon and the stars declare who You are. forever my heart will sing of how great You are.

allergies

xy: i'll blow you away with my slickness
xy: the way dust flies when you blow at it and it disperses like crazy
xx: are you hinting that you'll blow me far away from you!?!?!?!?
xy: no. wrong.
xy: it's the kind where the dust picks up and flies around in circles, and you're completely surrounded by it
xx: oh.
xy: don't think i'd let you go that easily.
xx: well, then in that case... i guess that's okay.

I'm ready to realize that I was wrong.

I've just been angry at you, and you can imagine why. Afterall, you're the one who created me. My thoughts were this: why did you have to take away everyone that deserved to live? they were more devoted to you than I, and yet you chose to punish them with something that ate at their minds and bodies. You took them from the ones that loved them, you took them from me. So I retaliated, like a typical child would. I felt like I had been wronged, and an injustice made. I fought hard to keep you out, and some strange mix of my stubbornness and anger built a wall around me.

But that wall has been broken down. Four months ago, I stepped back into church for the first time in a long time...and the words I heard that day brought tears to my eyes. You comforted me, even though I had been neglectful and upset with you. I left ashamed with my head down.

Fast-forward to last Friday.

I finally worked the courage to come back, and You spoke to me. That's right, I get it. And I don't have to be ashamed and upset anymore.

I'm ready to let some light into my life. I'm ready to admit that I was wrong.

falling behind

I've always had a fear of falling behind; I've always liked to think that we all move together with those that we want to the most. The first lesson of 2010 was swift and clear: this surely is not the case. Instead, we all move at different paces, just like everyone has long said. Everyone I love is moving forward, and I've never been so proud or fortunate to be a part of someone's life like I am right now (multiplied by ten). Emotionally, mentally... all of you are simply amazing.

And I've fallen behind. Emotionally, mentally... everything's been put on a hold all because I've wasted all my time, energy and heart trying to forget something that just isn't worth it. I woke up this morning, thought about how amazing each and one of you are and it's making me realize my mistakes. And I guess this is a weird way of saying that I admire all of you; I aspire to be like you.

"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee what thou art."

I hope you guys run across this one day, and know that I'm damn lucky. <3

we sat underneath the gangly branches

and counted the crystals in the indigo sky

the kind of shade that would fade with wash, right?

you nodded. yes, or so i assumed.

I sat there gazing at your porcelain stance

you, into my bare soul.

The fresh smell of liquid iron burned me inside and out

the open wound bore something that was yearning

but my plastered ribs could not bare the weight

and all that's left now

are those gangly branches that once embraced

faded skies and petals-like crushed nails-

fill the thin air.

And there are no more nods

for me to assume.

No form was left-the organ stolen:

All that was there was dust.

credible commitments.

It's strange how things line up sometimes: it's almost always a coincidence, or at least I would like to think so. I sat in class this morning and listened to a guest speaker talk about an article that he wrote. Needless to say, little man...big ego. I sat there, half-interested in what he had to say about how judiciary powers were drawn out during the drafting of the Constitution, and then he caught my attention with one word: Trust. You can only trust someone if they're credible. At first, we're all the same, we're all equals...we're all peers. But one act, one revolution changes things: it changes the relationship.

"America had thrown itself into a position against the entire world, and it was now asking to be let back in as a different man, and it knew that in this situation, it would have to gain the world's trust. And when you want to gain someone's trust after creating an uproar, you give them one and then some. If you're the world, never settle for less."

I'm thinking, you've created an uproar, and I don't know if I can trust you. I want to let you back into the game; so that we can both benefit from the exchange--so that we can prosper together... but if I give you this one, you're going to have to give me one in return--and then some. That's how this exchange is going to work right now, until I can trust you.

And if you don't like that, then you can go trade with another country.

Because all that I'm really looking for is a credible commitment.