i hope you know

I hope you know that sometimes, you can't be selfish-especially when it comes to your kids. I've never asked much of you-if anything, I've tried my hardest to bite my tongue when I saw something that bothered me, but made you happy. I hope you know, that I hope my kids can come and talk to me, knowing that I will be supportive of their dreams and aspirations; that I'll be there for them, understanding as I can be though times have changed. I won't look down upon them as if they were constantly lost: because I'll know that I had taught them well, well enough to know that they'll have direction and I know sometimes they'll get lost, but I will be there to help them when they need it. Practical... of course I'll be practical, but I know my kids will be too because after all, they're my kids. I promise to know their characters: strong-willed, determined, dreamers... I'll know them better than I know myself. Your indecisiveness hurts me; your lack of appreciation for the person that I've become pierces my heart a thousand times. I hope you know that I love you, but you have disappointed me.

good days to come.

woke up with this song in my head.

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

see i'm a young soul
in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
but why all this hate? try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

shower time.

dispose after use.

I've just come home from an 8 hour long drive with one of my dearest friends: I felt the weight of my eyelids as we were driving southbound on the starry 5 highway, but they have since perked up at the sight of my laptop. They'll stay open for the chance to write and to share--every key typed, tinkers the drowsiness away.

San Francisco was beautiful yesterday: the sun was bright and the sky was clear--I could have sworn SoCal weather was following me. :) It made SF and Berkeley about 100 times more enjoyable than it would have been, had the usual foggy weather accompanied us; 100 times more enjoyable minus the cost of a dehydrated Nancy, of course. Fail.

As I should have expected, I couldn't find my camera as I was grabbing things on Friday, so I was forced to buy a disposable camera. Yes, you heard me. A DISPOSABLE CAMERA--the ones that use film and have a rotating dial that goes clickety-click. That one. 27 Frames, and you can't even see them until you print them out--oh, how digital technology has spoiled us. Some will be great, some not so great and the rest down-right terrible. Maybe one of them will be picture perfect-if you're lucky. And as I was fiddling with the thing, something in my mind clicked: this is what life is. I held the model of life in my hands.

Life is a disposable camera: you go along, with however many frames allotted to you, and that's it. You pick and choose which memories, images, people, places you want to capture within your number of frames, and it eventually ends. When you run out of frames, you look back in retrospect, not knowing at the time how the memories turned out-not knowing what the outcome would be when you went into it. Then the camera is gone, and all that is left is the pictures: the moments you chose to capture, the decisions you took. You look back and find that some were greater than others, some didn't turn out the way you expected them to, and others that were flawless, unforgettable moments. All captured because you wanted them to be, because you chose carefully which ones to bet your frames on.

After all, we only have so many.

Digital cameras really distort this notion: it gives you the power to unlimited frames, leaving us the option to attempt and seize all opportunities (all that we can hold onto) without really making choices. Because after we hoard all the opportunities, we can go back and pick-and-choose which ones we want based on the outcome.

Thank you, $5.99 Kodak camera--I might have lost six dollars, but I just gained a new perspective.

( P.S. It's quite a selling point, Kodak people. If you decide to market it with your camera-please don't charge me extra--like: face value $5.99+$100 epiphany-about-life-fee.)

But, when I'm out of frames and out of time, put them together for me in a book and judge me based on those: because I chose each one carefully. Dispose of me, but keep the book, and I'll be a happy camper.

And finally, this frame is dedicated to the mini road trip.

fifteen.

'cause when you're fifteen
and somebody tells you they love you,
you're gonna believe them.
and when you're fifteen,
and your first kiss makes your head spin around,
but in your life you'll do things
greater than dating the boy on the football team

I didn't know it at fifteen.

when all you wanted
was to be wanted,
wish you could go back
and tell yourself what you know now.

back then I thought I was going to marry him someday,
but I realized some bigger dreams of mine.

I didn't know who I was supposed to be, at fifteen.

Ode to an Egg

I think I fell in love with you and I didn't even notice. I was too busy thinking about other things when we first met. I was thinking of things.. to do to you, and I fell in love that night you were boiled. That smooth porcelain skin of yours broke apart as I tried to reach the center, yearning. As I tried to get closer, the broken fragments of porcelain scarred me, and I almost gave up. But I didn't want to leave it halfway, even if it was painful and I continued to dig past that veneer and destroyed it, looking up to see you at your best. I bit into the intoxicating smell, the softness of your state and reached your heart of gold. Now, I'll never be able to turn away from it even if I tried.

2:35 A.M.

This is what 2:35 A.M. looks like: arriving home from yet another fun night--to realize that your blog was all weird and everything you thought was kind of wrong. Haha. Could I have possibly been more wrong? Reason and insight reach me at strange times, and the weird thing is that I don't even feel estranged by it one bit. So I changed it in order to better suit me.

I started writing again. Opening up my notes felt like unwrapping a parcel that you've received by complete surprise: the kind that's wrapped in thick brown paper with twine and scratchy handwriting that makes your heart melt like butter on toast. I rummaged over the contents of my notes--it made my heart smile. A time capsule had been awaiting my acknowledgment, with poor excuses for notes collected from the past 7 years of my life.

I won't forget you anymore, I promise.

Sunday.

Today was a nice day... no work, no running around like a crazy mad woman--just nice and easy. I feel kind of lighter than I have in a really long time, and I can't really pinpoint it at this moment. I feel like I'm in this vacuum where time is stagnant, yet I see everything flying right past me on the outside. It's a weird feeling, haha not really sure if I like it or not. There are things I should be worrying about, but I'm just sorta floating around without a care: That will probably be a mistake.

Things I should be worrying about:
1. England (this is an iceberg: it is more complex than it seems)
1a) the whole ticket situation with Kevin: I might be stranded in England for a couple of days.
1b) country project
1c) orientation
1d) umm loan whatevers
1e) there are probably more that I'm totally oblivious to at this point...

2. School
3. Personal-straightening-myself-out-stuff
4. Getting my work done out of the way for this upcoming weekend

making lists tires me....

I'm off to do some homework.

Dead.

I am super tired right now, and I'm supposed to be doing my homework and studying for stats... that is obviously not happening right now. I feel as if I'm about to pass out any time soon. and soon is now.

work = fail.
would rather be doing about 6 other things.
1. spending time with friends
2. eating ice cream with excessive amounts of chocolate and strawberries
3. cooking
4. running
5. reading
6. _______ (something which I'm not quite sure I can share yet).

But I guess these things will have to wait.

ugh.

So, I'm awake for no good reason: All of my work has somehow magically finished itself. Ha, I wish. But I can't bring myself to do it right now, because my mind is full of all this other crap that I just can't seem to clear. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, no matter what I do--it's still there. Shit. I wish I could just drop everything right now and head for the beach. I want to lie down on the sand, and just disappear for a short while. This has to be the most fucking emo piece of shit I've ever written before... I say it's because of the rain.

sitting, waiting, whispering-
whispering sounds of my soul
patiently looking forward
to see the light in the view

i tried to scream, i did
but your love stifled my soul
i tried to yell, i did
but your kindness tamed my desires

dreams: i had of being someone
dreams-ha, i can still recall
but i'm just stuck here
sitting, waiting, whispering
quietly into your ear.

i hope that you can decipher this
please tell me that you see it
that you see me wilting inside
each petal falling softly off
until there is nothing.
Nothing left of what made it a flower
nothing left of what made it beautiful
nothing left of what made it, it.



just know that i'm sitting here
waiting, whispering patiently
so that you can save me
because i can do nothing.

The Renaissance

When things are just this great, there really is only one thing to do: write. Can I be honest? I have no idea how we all ended up together as we are... English 28B was just another class, right? But I'm not going to question it because it feels good-I loved English 28B, and crazy as it sounds my mind still wanders back to the somewhat academically fruitless classes. I'm just going to say it: I'm amazed that we actually kept in contact with each other. Seriously though, in any other normal circumstances, this would have never happened-not in a million years. College is like NYC: you've got networks of different sizes, types and people that often cross-over through class or the past; people don't ever say hi or smile (unless they know you); small-talk= get-the-fuck-away-from-me; and "let's get together some time"= hahahaha riiight, more like, "let's get together that one time for obligatory purposes and then that's enough." Because face it: when there are so many networks already, what's the use in keeping in contact with this one person who isn't in any of the one's that you're already a part of? We're all so busy with our lives that we forget that people are individuals: like each person is actually a person aside from whatever network they're a part of.

But this... this is something quite amazing and unprecedented in my books. I feel like my heart has swollen to the point where it's pushing my feelings out through my mouth to let you guys know that you are amazing, astounding, fantastic, marvelous, wonderful--i've run out of synonyms because you guys that are cool--awesome.