forever&always

wasting time.

Lying in bed these past couple of days has highlighted some really important things to me. I don't know if it's the effects of the highly addictive strawberry lozenges or if it's the mildy sedative spicy jar of liquid pholcodine, but I realized where I was in my life for the first time. I'm 19. I'm young, and I just want to be happy. We spend all of our lives running around worrying about the past and the future, while we let the present slip by. I thought about the months before when I was still training for the marathon and those fateful early spring evenings when I stopped at a dandelion field for a rest. I stood there and I watched in awe as the wind caressed and tickled its way through the field, blowing and twirling the seeds in all sorts of directions, leaving the crystal blue sky speckled. I held my hand out like a net and allowed them to rest softly on my palm. There was nothing blatantly significant: nothing grand, nothing exciting... but it made my heart flutter and sing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is what everyone else has been saying all this time: Life is short, don't waste your time dwelling on things you think will eventually make you happy. Because all it takes is a gust of wind, and all of the sudden everything is changed.

Hold your hand out, catch the good ones, and hold onto them before the moment has gone and passed.

fed up.

i hear you. i see you too. so when are you actually going to show me something?

16 oz of yogurt and a broken heart

I went to the store this morning after my hearty breakfast, quite satisfied with myself. I strolled down the aisles, past the colorful packages, boxes and bottles. I reached the refrigerated aisles that I dread when I'm not wearing a jacket, and swiftly made my way through when all of the sudden, you caught my attention. God, you were everything I ever had ever wanted - that I had ever dreamed of. Blueberry yogurt: tart, yet sweet with real blueberries bits for character - just the way I like it. I can't pass on a good thing when I see it, and I quickly swooped you up. Throughout the bus ride home, I was bubbling with excitement. I was so anxious at the thought of having something so light and sweet after that heavy traditional English breakfast. I ran up six flights of stairs, threw my door open and grabbed a spoon. I carefully placed you on the table and gently peeled the top off. It was time. I looked down into you and saw the swirl of blueberry compote against the white yogurt. I swirled my spoon around slowly and got the perfect spoonful. The cool touch against my tongue sent chills throughout my body, and I was itching for more. As I reached down to scoop for more, I felt my heart sink. You were nearing empty. I felt the scratch of the metal against the plastic container, the empty clanging, and I felt betrayed. You told me you had 16 ounces - you said it was all for me. Guess that's just what you say to people, isn't it? You try and sell yourself to everyone you see, but I'm not falling for that anymore.

That's the last time I stop by the grocery store after breakfast.

permanent marker.

i found that picture
of you in that white dress
he sure had a good time
cleaning up that mess

he found thirty other pieces
but he'll never find them all
tried to put it back together
now he knows to keep it off the wall

and i don't appreciate you calling him to reminisce
the only reason is you're seeing how much better off he is.

X is the shape i drew through your face
in permanent marker.
just like the mark you knew you were making,
who do you think you are to draw on his heart
in permanent marker?

oh taylor swift... :]

please stop.

Say it once: That's enough, I swear to you. I'm not a child, I'm not deaf, I'm not dumb, either. I'm fully capable of making my own decisions. To tell you the truth, I don't think I respect the fact that you're trying to make your word count to me now. You don't deserve it. Where were you when I needed it- when I actually wanted your opinion? Please don't stand there and ask me questions like you care, and then walk away with no alternative plans for me. You lure out my dreams, you highlight them, and then you break them apart. So you don't want me to go to law school. What now, then? So you don't want me to go to England. What now, then? What should I do? How should I live? Who should I be?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not have suggestions ready? Perhaps next time, you should come prepared. Because I'll always have a rebuttal. Until then, please just stop.

I can tell this week is testing me already. It's going to be a combination of all the things in my life as of right now: school (two essays, one of which I just realized is due tomorrow), work everyday starting yesterday through wednesday night, a statistics test (that I will DOMINATE... hopefully :[), family stuff, eap stuff--oi. I better stop there. I feel dizzy talking about it already.